Sometimes, whether I like it or not, I have to leave my house and interact with other human beings. This is made exponentially worse by a little thing called small talk.
Occasionally I enjoy singing along or dancing to the music no one else can hear.
Most humans seem to want to fill the air with noise. Usually the noise takes the form of a question that makes me uncomfortable, for instance “what are your plans this weekend?” “Are you enjoying this weather?” And “when was your last Pap smear?” … Wait no that last one was the nurse at the gynecologist.
I might be slightly easier to work with than a mermaid.
Usually these “friendly questions” make me want to yell out “purple! 74! John Quincy Adams!” and then turn around and start running, but since I need to stick around to finish paying for my groceries or pick up my latte or whatever, I have to try to engage in said small talk.
I do my best to blend in.
So I thought, since I can’t be the only person on earth dreading idle chit chat, that I’d compile a list of appropriate and inappropriate responses to the most common small talk-ish questions.
The awkward leading the awkward.
Q: How is your day going so far?
Appropriate A: fine thanks, and you?
Inappropriate A: well, since you ask, I’m about 12 seconds from lighting my hair on fire while running down the street naked. But it’ll be ok. I own several Dolly Parton Wigs and I’ve already warned my neighbors.
Everyone loves a Dolly wig.
Q: Are you enjoying/hating the weather?
Appropriate A: oh yes, it’s lovely/horrid
Inappropriate A: it reminds me of the day that my great-uncle Beaufort was brutally mauled by a bear in his own home. It was raining/sunny/snowing that day too.
I’ve considered hiring a sad trombone player to follow me around when I go places.
Q: Any exciting plans this weekend?
Appropriate A: Not really, just hanging out with my little dude *gesture to child*
Inappropriate A: it’s the weekend? What day is it? What YEAR is it? Where am I?
I am often as confused as Moses was at the Renaissance Fair.
Q: so, what do you think about this *insert current event*?
Appropriate A: oh yes! That is indeed a thing which I am aware is happening!
Inappropriate A: well, I wouldn’t know anything about that you see, I just arrived here today in a time machine. Yesterday I was in regency era England. You wouldn’t happen to have a news paper would you?
So there you have it! I hope that my son will avoid these awkward encounters. Maybe I should start him in small talk lessons for toddlers. Just in case he inherited my awkward.