Monthly Archives: March 2014

The Car Door Incident

I am extremely clumsy. I know, cliche for a socially awkward moose, but it’s true. My legs are constantly covered in bruises to the point where sometimes I wonder if perhaps one of my ancestors had an affair with a banana and I inherited its bruise-y skin.

bruised bananas

a picture of my legs on a good day.

But all banana infidelities aside, sometimes my clumsiness can lead to extremely awkward situations. Like “oops! I fell and lit your prized stamp collection on fire. Sorry?” I have never understood stamp collections. (More on that later)

stamp fire

although, this is a pretty badass stamp. 

The other day I was filling up my car with gas, when suddenly my car door jumped out of nowhere and hit me in the temple. It hurt like hell fire. Or stepping on a Lego. It was not pretty.

All the while, I was being observed by an old woman filling her car with gas. This woman looked scandalized by my wincing in pain, or perhaps by my inability to avoid walking into car doors. She kept. looking. at. me. Like this:

shame nun

So what’s an awkward moose to do?

Well the most ~~mature and self respecting thing~~ possible of course! I climbed in my car and hid underneath the dashboard until the woman left, every so often I would peek out and check if she was still looking at me. She was. Looking as if I had committed some horrible crime against humanity. For a good 7 minutes and 34 seconds. Then she finally left and I drove my car home, deeply shamed by my clumsiness.

shamed bunny

I looked like this, except less adorable and more awkward.

But now I’m writing about it on the internet! So I get the last laugh! Hahaha! If you are reading this judgmental patron of Chevron in Del Mar, California, you ma’am, are an asshole!

ben and mose

Moses (and his Papa) think so too.

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Is this Real Life?

Sometimes things happen to me that seem to bitch slap logic in the face as if she were a jealous drag queen on Rupaul’s Drag Race.

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Often during these moments I find myself searching for a hidden camera, or better yet a camera crew, like one of those social excitement shows. So far one has never shown up. So my only choice is to cope with the fact that this is, in fact, real life.

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For instance, several years ago, my husband (who was just my boyfriend at the time) and I took a trip to Seattle to go to a friend’s wedding. The day before the festivities we went to Pike Place Market to look around. I was wandering around minding my own business, when suddenly a large gentleman accosted me with a gold hoop earring.

Man: Can you please try this on for me? I want to know what it would look like on.

Me: Hmmm… Have you tried a mirror?

Man: Look, do you want me to pay you or something?

Me: *explodes from awkward overdose* Uhh.. Sorry… Gotta go bathe my hippopotamus. Good luck with that…

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I’m just gonna go over here…

You see, this would have been 400x more logical if a camera crew would have shown up at any point. But they did not. So I was left wondering if this was, in fact real life? Do people really do that? Really?

Another time, several years ago, a few friends and I went on a vacation together. During said vacation, we went to an art museum. Because that’s what all the wild and crazy 19 year olds do on spring break.

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Actual photographic evidence of my friend and I partaking in nightlife in our early 20s

At the museum, we encountered a tour guide wearing a shoe on her head as a hat. It looked very intentional. Her hair was pinned around it like a woman from the small hat wearing era. I do not remember a single piece of art that I saw that day, save that shoe hat on the tour guides head, which might be considered art in and of itself. I spent much of my time there looking for a camera crew, but no one showed up, forcing me again to accept that this is real life.

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Real life, now with shoe hats!

I wonder if this is a thought that crosses other people’s awkward minds? Am I alone here? Will Moses one day grow up to search for a camera crew to make sense of real life?

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Sometimes I think he already is.

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The Awkward Moose’s Guide to Small Talk

Sometimes, whether I like it or not, I have to leave my house and interact with other human beings. This is made exponentially worse by a little thing called small talk.

small talk

Occasionally I enjoy singing along or dancing to the music no one else can hear. 

Most humans seem to want to fill the air with noise. Usually the noise takes the form of a question that makes me uncomfortable, for instance “what are your plans this weekend?” “Are you enjoying this weather?” And “when was your last Pap smear?” … Wait no that last one was the nurse at the gynecologist.

comics-WUMO-mermaid-gynecologist-737893

 

I might be slightly easier to work with than a mermaid. 

Usually these “friendly questions” make me want to yell out “purple! 74! John Quincy Adams!” and then turn around and start running, but since I need to stick around to finish paying for my groceries or pick up my latte or whatever, I have to try to engage in said small talk.

funny-meerkat-cat-blending-in

I do my best to blend in.

So I thought, since I can’t be the only person on earth dreading idle chit chat, that I’d compile a list of appropriate and inappropriate responses to the most common small talk-ish questions.

blind-leading-blind

 

The awkward leading the awkward.

Q: How is your day going so far?

Appropriate A: fine thanks, and you?

Inappropriate A: well, since you ask, I’m about 12 seconds from lighting my hair on fire while running down the street naked. But it’ll be ok. I own several Dolly Parton Wigs and I’ve already warned my neighbors.

1987-dolly-parton-400

 

Everyone loves a Dolly wig.

Q: Are you enjoying/hating the weather?

Appropriate A: oh yes, it’s lovely/horrid

Inappropriate A: it reminds me of the day that my great-uncle Beaufort was brutally mauled by a bear in his own home. It was raining/sunny/snowing that day too.

debbie downer

I’ve considered hiring a sad trombone player to follow me around when I go places. 

 

Q: Any exciting plans this weekend?

Appropriate A: Not really, just hanging out with my little dude *gesture to child*

Inappropriate A: it’s the weekend? What day is it? What YEAR is it? Where am I?

mosey confused

 

I am often as confused as Moses was at the Renaissance Fair. 

Q: so, what do you think about this *insert current event*?

Appropriate A: oh yes! That is indeed a thing which I am aware is happening!

Inappropriate A: well, I wouldn’t know anything about that you see, I just arrived here today in a time machine. Yesterday I was in regency era England. You wouldn’t happen to have a news paper would you?

 

So there you have it! I hope that my son will avoid these awkward encounters. Maybe I should start him in small talk lessons for toddlers. Just in case he inherited my awkward.

.Moseymama crazyface

 

 

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