Sometimes things happen to me that seem to bitch slap logic in the face as if she were a jealous drag queen on Rupaul’s Drag Race.
Often during these moments I find myself searching for a hidden camera, or better yet a camera crew, like one of those social excitement shows. So far one has never shown up. So my only choice is to cope with the fact that this is, in fact, real life.
For instance, several years ago, my husband (who was just my boyfriend at the time) and I took a trip to Seattle to go to a friend’s wedding. The day before the festivities we went to Pike Place Market to look around. I was wandering around minding my own business, when suddenly a large gentleman accosted me with a gold hoop earring.
Man: Can you please try this on for me? I want to know what it would look like on.
Me: Hmmm… Have you tried a mirror?
Man: Look, do you want me to pay you or something?
Me: *explodes from awkward overdose* Uhh.. Sorry… Gotta go bathe my hippopotamus. Good luck with that…
I’m just gonna go over here…
You see, this would have been 400x more logical if a camera crew would have shown up at any point. But they did not. So I was left wondering if this was, in fact real life? Do people really do that? Really?
Another time, several years ago, a few friends and I went on a vacation together. During said vacation, we went to an art museum. Because that’s what all the wild and crazy 19 year olds do on spring break.
Actual photographic evidence of my friend and I partaking in nightlife in our early 20s
At the museum, we encountered a tour guide wearing a shoe on her head as a hat. It looked very intentional. Her hair was pinned around it like a woman from the small hat wearing era. I do not remember a single piece of art that I saw that day, save that shoe hat on the tour guides head, which might be considered art in and of itself. I spent much of my time there looking for a camera crew, but no one showed up, forcing me again to accept that this is real life.
Real life, now with shoe hats!
I wonder if this is a thought that crosses other people’s awkward minds? Am I alone here? Will Moses one day grow up to search for a camera crew to make sense of real life?
Sometimes I think he already is.